Get Older
by Ellie-Ohhh
Summary: AU. Lily is having something of a breakdown. Severus is quiet and regarded. Can a simple meeting bring them back, or will life get in the way? "Sometimes I hate myself." She stated, turning to look at him, "Do you hate me?" His expression was blank as he responded, "Occasionally." She brought her gaze away from his, "Good."
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hello! I've missed this so much. This is a little bit of a different take on our beloved Lily/Sev - for me anyway. Slightly AU (aren't they all?) and focussed mainly on their relationship (re: aren't they all?) I think we all have Lily on the same pedestal that Severus does, and I wanted to make her a bit of an outsider in this. So, here's my new story! Let me know what you think, I'm lonely and miss my FFnet friends! Also, Resume will be updated soon, promise. Anyway, here we go!

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She slammed the front door behind her, fuming as she stalked away from her home and down the street towards the trees, not really consciously aware of where she was headed. She was angry – beyond angry! – she was down right irate. She let out a frustrated growl as she made her way down the street, stomping her feet with every step she took.

God, why did her sister have to be such a bitch?

Because that's what Petunia Grace Evans was – a bitch. A big, nasty, old bitch.

She sighed, it didn't really make her feel any better tearing her older sister down, that was Petunia's game, not Lily's.

She continued on her trek, walking and thinking, angrily strutting down the street. The neighbors that resided outside on the hot summer day just stared at her, most likely going to gossip about her later to the other adults. They already talked about her a great deal, she might as well actually give them something to talk about.

She just...hated it.

She hated it here, hated the neighborhood of Wiltingham where they lived, hated this part of town. She hated the suspicious glances and the untrusting gleam in the eyes of the people who lived around her. She hated the muggles almost as much as she hated the purebloods.

She hated everything.

She let out a deep breath, usually she wasn't this melodramatic or emotional. She was level-headed and respected both sides to every story, she was reasonable. But, seemingly, not today.

Petunia just tried her sometimes, kept pestering and picking until finally Lily exploded. That's what her sister wanted, she wanted Lily to jump off the deep end, Petunia wanted to prove to their parents that she didn't belong here anymore. And, maybe her sister was right. Maybe she didn't belong here anymore.

It made her chest heavy at the thought.

She wished things had worked out better with Petunia, she really had. For as big of a bitch as she sister could be, Petunia was lovely and loyal, and she just _missed_ her terribly. Petunia had used to be her best friend, she was the one Lily went to for advice, for support, for answers. Lily used to do everything in her power to make her older sister laugh, and anything to make her proud. They had been so close once, and now, it was like Lily didn't even know her anymore. She didn't know her, she knew nothing about her.

Lily knew that it was Severus and Hogwarts that had broken them apart, but it wasn't Sev's fault, it wasn't Dumbledore's fault. It wasn't anyones. But, Petunia didn't see it that way.

Her sister had been jealous, and sad, that Lily was special, and that she was leaving. She got that, she really did understand. But, it wasn't her fault! It wasn't her fault for being a witch and for Petunia being only a muggle. Couldn't her sister see that? She wished it had been different, she wished Petunia had been born with magical abilities – or, that she hadn't been born with any at all – maybe than they would've remained close.

Lily recalled the moment before going through the platform for her first year of school, she had asked Petunia if she was mad at her. Her sister had hesitantly said no, Lily had shrugged it off and hugged her tighter than she had ever hugged Tuney before. She had really thought that everything would be alright, that her sister would be okay. But, then Christmas came and Petunia had seemed distant. Then Easter, and no letter had been sent from her. And when Lily had returned home for the summer, Petunia had narrowed her gaze and turned up her nose, ignoring and sassing Lily all at once.

That had been the end of their relationship, there was no fixing it after that, Petunia hadn't wanted it to.

So, Lily just accepted her sister's new attitude towards her, expected the way their old friends now looked at her. She let the silences be awkward, or hostile, whatever Petunia wanted, Petunia got. It was just easier that way.

But, sometimes, Lily just couldn't stand the cold looks or the snide remarks. Like today, Petunia had just gone too far.

She had been sitting in the kitchen, drinking tea and catching up on her summer reading when her sister and her friend waltzed in. Petunia had ignored her, as usual, chattering away to a friend that Lily knew as Moira – some girl who was popular in the London socialite scene, that Petunia was trying extremely hard to make her way into.

Lily had ignored them, not wanting to bother her sister and the girl she was trying desperately to impress, she just kept on reading her book, hoping they wouldn't ask what it was about. She would've just left the room entirely, but she had been waiting on her toast and didn't really want to leave just because Petunia had given her a heated glare when they had first walked in.

Her toast had popped up, and Petunia grabbed it, put it on a plate, and offered it to Moira. The girl declined, and instead, Petunia started to eat it. Lily hadn't been able to stop herself, she knew it was just toast, but the nerve of her sister, smiling as she tore off a piece and put it in her mouth, taunting Lily, daring her.

"Hey, Tune." Lily stood from the table, walking over towards the counter where Petunia stood. "Can I have my toast, please."

"Why don't you just _charm_ yourself up another one?" Petunia coyly replied.

Lily narrowed her gaze at Petunia before turning to her friend, Moira. "Sorry about her," Lily nodded towards Petunia. "She has this wacky notion that magic is real," Lily snorted and shrugged her shoulders, acting like her sister was the bizarre one and taking a piece of her toast from the plate.

"God, Lily, don't be such a cow. It's not like you need it anyway." Petunia smirked, her tone boastful. Moira chuckled and she looked Lily up and down, agreeing with her sister.

Lily narrowed her eyes at Petunia, glancing at her. Her sister was looking a little gaunt, slimmer than she had been in a long while – not that Petunia had ever been heavy by any means – but, this was certainly the smallest she'd ever been. Except maybe as a ten year old.

Petunia barely ate recently, even her Mother commenting on it. Her high cheekbones stuck out more – in a way that Petunia thought looked regal, even thought it just made her look underfed. She was tall, and the apparent weight loss made her look more bird-like, frail. Her waist was very tiny, her hips slim, her bust small. Basically, she looked like a twelve year old boy.

They looked nothing alike, they never _really_ had, but when they were young there was a strong Evans resemblance between them. Now, there was nothing. Petunia's hair had gotten darker as she got older, where it used to be a light blonde, it was now a dark honey blonde. Her eyes were still a dark green, her complexion still fair and free of freckles – on her face, anyway. But, she just didn't look like her sister anymore, they barely looked related.

And, now with Petunia's ever shrinking body fat, Lily didn't think they ever would.

Lily just smirked, shrugging a shoulder and grabbing the plate out of Petunia's hands. "Well, at least I don't look like the twelve year old version of a certain boy from Spinner's End."

Petunia gasped, her mouth dropping open at the audacity of her younger sister. Moira had looked away, seemingly embarrassed for Petunia. Everyone knew about Sev, even if they didn't know him personally. Petunia had a habit of talking about her "weird sister" and her "equally as weird friend from Spinner's End". Lily was sure Moira knew all about Severus, about how gaunt and poorly dressed he was, dirty and rubbish in every way. Take that, Tuney. Take. That.

"Why you little _witch_."

"Watch what you say dear, there are always people listening."

Petunia knew that if she said anything about Lily being a witch or going to Hogwarts that something, well, not good would happen. Lily really didn't have to worry about it, seeing as the mere mortification was enough to keep her sister silent. She didn't like having a freak for a sister, and she certainly didn't want people knowing just how much of an actual freak Lily was.

Petunia grabbed Lily's arm and dragged her into the living room, closing the kitchen door behind her. She pushed Lily further into the room, pointing her finger into Lily's chest. "Listen here, you rude little ingrate. This is my chance at a normal, high society life. I won't let you ruin this for me. Not like you've ruined everything else."

Lily started at her sister, mouth dropping in astonishment. "_I_ ruined everything?" She shook her head, "Are you serious?"

Petunia folded her arms across her chest and stared at Lily in a disapproving manner. For someone who was two years older than her, Petunia looked like such a child in that moment. "Don't play coy, Lily. It doesn't become you."

"I'm not _playing coy_, Petunia. I've never done anything to you, let alone ruin your life." Her voice was cross, her eyes narrowed.

"And what do you call being whisked away to that _school_ at the end of primary and not ever returning except for summer time?" Petunia's voice was hushed incase Moira was listening, and Lily couldn't tell if it was because of her sister's embarrassment or Lily's modesty. "Or abandoning all of your old friends for your _freakish_ ones?"

Lily's voice dropped, this probably wasn't the best time to be having this argument, or getting this personal, but she knew in that last statement that Petunia wasn't only speaking of her primary school friends. "Tune, I'm sorry. But, what was I suppose to do? Not go?"

"Yes. You were suppose to stay here and be normal like the rest of us."

"I am normal." Lily's voice was small when she said this, confused why Petunia would even bring it up.

Petunia laughed bitterly, "No. You're not." She uncrossed her arms, letting them reside on her hips in an offensive stance. "You can play pretend with everyone else, Lily, but you can't play pretend with me. You're a _freak_, and you'll always be one."

"And you're a bitch." Lily just couldn't take it anymore, she was done playing Petunia's game, if this was how she wanted it, this was how it was going to be. "And everyone knows it. You can keep pretending and parading around with people like Moira, but we all know. You'll never get anywhere in life because people don't like you. You're vain, conceited, and stuck up, you care more about appearances than the people who care about _you._"

With that, Lily had turned on her heel and stormed out of the house, not even giving Petunia time to react and slamming the front door behind her in the process. Now here she was, walking. And fuming. And she was pretty sure she was talking angrily to herself, so now she was certifiably crazy.

She let out a deep sigh, letting some of her anger melt.

Why?

Why, did her sister have to hate her so?

Why couldn't her parents see the disdain between them?

Why did everything just _suck_ so much?

She stomped through the small woods, cracking branches beneath her old trainers. She hadn't even realized that she had made her way down to the rocky bank of the small lake that she used to spend all her time at. With Severus.

Great, just what she needed, even more heartbreak on her already loaded mind.

She trudged along anyway, deciding that she didn't care, bringing herself down to the shore anyway. She was stomping and breathing heavily, stopping only once she got to the waters bank, staring out over the expanse of the small lake. She let out a great sigh, hoping that the quietness of the little isle would sooth her angry mind and heart. She tried to let her anger melt fully, but truly hoped it didn't turn to tears. She wouldn't cry over Petunia's meanness, it just wasn't worth it. She turned to sit in the spot she always occupied and literally stalled mid-step when she saw him.

There he was, there was Severus.

In all of his delightfully, brooding glory. There he was.

He was sitting casually on the ground, his long legs drawn up, his arms resting on his knees as he fiddled with the wand in his hands. He looked up at her with easy eyes, regarding her not as a scorned enemy, yet not as a friend either. He just looked so normal to her suddenly, like nothing had ever transpired between them, not even their friendship. He almost looked like a casual acquaintance. It made her head hurt.

He looked older to her suddenly, even though she'd seen him around school last year, for some reason he just looked so different. His hair was a tad shorter than it had been at the end of term, clearly his Mother had coaxed him into getting a trim – even if it was only a tiny one. It was all pushed to one side, like he had ran his hand through it and haphazardly tossed it out of the way, which left his face exposed in the afternoon sun. It was the best look at his face that she'd had in years. His face which managed to look old and young all at once, was creating a strange feeling in her chest as she looked upon him.

His dark eyes were blank, not in the harsh way that she had seen them, just a bored sort of nothingness as they stared up at her. He was dressed in muggle clothes, an olive green t-shirt and some ripped jeans, once again, startlingly normal.

"Hey?"

Her breathing was labored from her angry strut and it was clear in her tone that she had been taken off guard by seeing him. He did manage a mild shocked look in his eyes when she had first approached, but it was gone as soon as it came, excepting the fact that she was standing before him, breathing heavy and looking like she was about to combust.

"Hello."

He looked her over, she was very clearly in a state. He could tell she was angry by the strut-ful gait she had when she stormed down the path, not even noticing him. It was the labored breathing and the heated blush that covered her neck that really tipped him off.

He tried not to delve deeper in the memory that was Lily's idiosyncrasies, he had – somehow easily – pushed a lot of her from his mind when she had rejected his apology and didn't like dwelling on things he couldn't change. He wasn't mad at her, he knew Lily, she was going to be pissed for as long as she was going to be pissed and then she'd come around. He knew the drill, he had watched it happen with her girl friends over the years. He hadn't expected it to be this long, but he was steadfast in his ability to not care – or, at least, he had become.

Standing before him gave him the opportunity to glance her over in a way that he was not so graciously afforded in school. She was wearing a striped t-shirt and a pair of high-waisted shorts, trainers on her feet and her hair was up in a ponytail. She looked normal. She looked...like, Lily.

"What's wrong."

It wasn't asked as a question, but it also wasn't said as a statement. She wasn't entirely sure if he was actually interested or if he was falling back into old patterns and felt like he needed to be her therapist.

She found herself walking towards him anyway, not even thinking about it. Was she mad at him? Was she _suppose_ to be mad at him? She wasn't exactly sure what was going on right now, she hadn't spoken to him in a whole year in her stubbornness, but she found herself not even thinking about it as she sat herself beside him on the ground.

She brought her knees up to her chest, looking out at the sky over the lake. "It's, Petunia."

"Isn't it always?"

She turned to look at him, his dark eyes still held the same blank-boredom as before. They were both just being so casual. It felt strange, but she wasn't fighting it, it was what it was. She had missed him, even though she didn't normally let herself dig that deep inside of her. But she did, she did miss him as she was realizing now.

She decided to just, let it be. What ever this was, whatever they were doing, her mind was already on overdrive, she was just going to let it happen and let the chips fall where they may.

"It's different this time. She didn't just ignore me or call me a freak. She crossed a line, and so did I." She looked away from his gaze, how was she being so calm about all of this? She brought her eyes back to his, "I think our relationship is really over."

He gave a nod, keeping her gaze. "Hasn't it been over for a while now?"

"Yeah, but not like this. I really think that this is the end of us having any sort of connection." Lily shook her head, looking lost. "I hate her. I really do."

That was new. Lily didn't hate anyone, she was stubborn and got in a right state quickly, but she wasn't one to hate. He knew that better than anyone. She was level headed and even keel, he never thought she'd have it in her to actually hate, especially her own sister.

Now Severus, he hated Petunia. He thought she was a bitch who didn't know how to keep her mouth shut. Petunia had been the bane of his nine year old existence and continued to ruin everything as they got older. But, Lily had always defended her sister, had always tried to make him understand. He didn't, because he didn't have any siblings, he didn't understand that bond to another person that is part of your biological makeup. So, no matter how mean or cruel or vile Petunia was to Lily or himself, she always managed to come up with some excuse as to why Petunia was being such a bitch.

Apparently now things were different. Something happened to really make Lily see what was going on inside of her sister's mind. And now, Lily wanted nothing more to do with Petunia, and he had a guess that the feeling was mutual.

"What happened?"

Lily shrugged a shoulder, looking up at the clear sky. Her breathing was even, her temper had mostly subsided. It was very calm between them – that was the only way she could describe it, calm.

"She had a friend over, we started a fight over toast, she called me fat – so I told her she looked like an underfed twelve year old boy." She left out the part about calling her Severus, she had a feeling that he wouldn't appreciate that. "She pushed me into the other room, attacked me about going to Hogwarts and ruining her life, told me that I wasn't normal and that I'd never be. Which...I guess is true."

"What makes you think that?" He looked at her with suddenly serious eyes. "You are normal." She liked the way his dark eyes stayed glued to her's, it made her feel. "The only thing abnormal about you is your insane love for that horrid Kate Bush song."

Lily couldn't help the smile that fell onto her face or the bark of laughter that bubbled up, she shook her head, still smiling. "It's a great song."

Severus, still serious, shook his head, "No. No it's not."

"Yes it is! She's serenading Heathcliff as Catherine from Wuthering Heights. It's genius."

"Absolutely not."

Her laughing subsided and she took to just smiling back at the blank Severus. This was more them, well the old them. She liked it. It was strange how easy it was to fall right back into step with him, even after not speaking for a year – had it really been a whole year? – it was natural, like second nature. They had been friends for so long before that, she'd known him since she was nine years old, spent all her empty days with him. Surely one year off from their friendship couldn't have changed any of that, and it appeared it hadn't.

Now, that struck her.

How could she let herself fall so comfortably casual with him after she'd sworn him off? Did she want to forget about it? Did she want to be friends with him again?

Deep down she did, she missed him. Just because she was mad at him didn't mean she stopped caring about him. She was just stubborn, she didn't want to admit that she might've taken it too far.

She wondered if he missed her too.

From the way he was regarding her this whole time, he seemed undecided. That, or she really couldn't tell, which bothered her immensely.

"Though, I wasn't the innocent one in that scenario. I did call her a bitch to her face, I basically told her that she was rude and conceited, and that nobody would ever like her." She shook her head and let out a sigh. "I'm no better than she is." He regarded her in kind, taking in what she said, his eyes never leaving her. She couldn't read him and that bothered her. "So, what should I do about, Petunia?"

Severus shrugged a shoulder, they were still haunched, his knees still up. "What do you want to do about it? Do you want to forgive her?"

"No." The answer was immediate, Lily wasn't even sure if that was truly what she wanted. She instead took a moment to think about it before answering again. "I don't know. She's put me in a position that I don't know how to get out of. I'm not sure how to move on from here. Do I forgive her and try, very desperately, to patch up our relationship against her will? Or do I just let it be? Let her be angry, let me be angry, and just..." She sighed, bringing her bright eyes up to meet his. "Let her go."

He felt a strange stirring in his chest at this conversation – at this whole meeting, actually. It was bizarre to be here with her. To talk so softly and casually, to have everything feel so calm. He liked teasing her and making her laugh, it reminded him of how lonely he'd been this past year without her. Despite popular belief, he did have friends, he was mildly – alright, not really – content with his life as a nobody, he didn't _need_ Lily and her delightful charm. He _wanted_ it. That was the distinction that people couldn't make. He wanted Lily in his life because he liked her there, because he wanted her around.

She had been his best friend, he had told her everything. The same went for her, he knew more about her than anyone ever would, including Potter.

But, she had made a decision a year ago, she was mad at him. That was her decision. She was mad at him and she was going to stay that way for as long as she pleased. She hadn't accepted his apology, she had ignored him and left him to be whoever he wanted without her. She hadn't sneered at him in the hall with the Marauders or started calling him names or anything of the sort. She had just chosen to stick to herself, be alone for a while. And she had, she had spent the year without him, but she had also spent the year without anyone.

Lily had taken to spending time alone last year, claiming that she just needed space from everyone – mostly including him. Potter took it as a chance to slip in undetected, but she didn't hang around with them either. For the whole year he only saw her with Alice, the small blonde was the only friend that Lily had let into her self-proclaimed year of peace. He was happy for her, and he was happy that he hadn't been the only one excluded from her graces. He supposed that's what made the blow of their friendship crumbling a little less severe. She hadn't left him for someone else, for another group who was better and more popular than the likes of him. She was fair in her cold shoulders. He guessed, for whatever reason, she was now coming around.

He wasn't quite sure what to expect though, were they friends again? Did this meeting count as such? They hadn't really talked about _them_, so he was very unsure. But, the real question that was burning at the back of his mind was, did he even want this?

It might've sounded strange, clearly he still cared for her. But he wasn't sure if he wanted to go down this road again, not if it would only lead to disappointment.

He cleared his throat, bringing his eyes back up to meet her's. "You have to do what feels right, Lily." She liked the way he said her name. She hadn't heard it come from his mouth in so long. "If you've had enough, then let it be. Your relationship might be too far gone to save."

He was right, it might be too far gone to save. "Yeah." She said thoughtfully, desperately.

"Or," He fiddled with the wand in his hands. "You can try and repair what's broken. But, it's all up to you."

She looked away from his intense gaze, bringing her eyes up to the open sky, looking at all the passing clouds. She let out a long sigh that she hadn't know she'd been holding in, the silence between them wasn't uncomfortable. "I'm sorry." She turned to face him, her eyes held a sadness he wasn't used to seeing. She whispered this time, "I'm sorry." He held her quiet gaze and nodded silently. She perked up a little more than she had just been, clearing her throat. "Thank you, Sev – for talking with me."

He nodded again, "I do what I can."

She stood suddenly, leaving their small little world that had been created when she sat down. She brushed off her shorts, making sure her wand was still in her back pocket. She turned towards him, still calm but less somber than she had just been during her apology. "I should get back and figure out this whole...situation."

"Yeah."

She bit at her lower lip – a tell tale sign she wasn't sure of what she was about to do. This should be interesting.

"Would you – " She paused, unsure of herself. She continued on anyway. "Do you want to meet up tomorrow? I'd like to catch up with you, if that's alright."

He was taken aback at her invitation. He hadn't thought that this meant anything, and he had just assumed that she hadn't either. He answered before he could stop himself. "I'd like that."

She nodded, something returning to her eyes that he hadn't noticed she'd been missing. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

He nodded curtly and watched her go, following her figure through the trees as long as his line of sight would let him. What had just happened?

He stood a few minutes after Lily had departed, wiping the sand from his jeans and turning through the small forest towards his home. All the while trying not to analyze what the strange meeting that had just occurred meant, or on the fact that he was meeting up with Lily again tomorrow. And, he tried desperately hard not to concentrate on the fact that she had called him, Sev.

What in the world was going on with today?

* * *

Do you hate? Do you love? TELL ME.


	2. Chapter 2

She had woken up exceptionally early this morning, probably due to the sheer magnitude of her meeting with Severus last night and the fact that he would be gracing her presence later today. It had been a rough night and she was still so tired, but that didn't stop her body from waking her up at the crack of dawn and proceeding to keep her awake even after she went to the bathroom and laid back down. So, she had gotten up and started cleaning her room – something she never did while home – all the while trying not to think about her fight with Petunia.

After she had gotten home from her forest rendezvous with Severus, things had taken a turn for the worst. She hadn't been expecting to walk into Petunia hollering on about how much of an ungrateful toad she was to their parents. She had walked into the house calm after her long talk with Sev, sure that she was doing the right thing. Although, she was half hoping that Petunia would be gone or that her parents wouldn't be home. Of course, they were home. They all were.

She understood that Petunia was mad, hell, even Lily was still mad. But, she knew for the sake of the preserving the last remains of a relationship with her sister, Lily had to do the right thing. She had to try and make Petunia understand, and she had to apologize.

Lily had walked into the living room, closing the front door behind her, hearing the yelling coming from the kitchen. Petunia was ratting her out to her parents, and not telling the whole side of the story. That's what she hated about Petunia, her sister was never fully honest, she always had to make a case of how poor and pitiful she was compared to Lily or the other girls at school that didn't like her. She could never just tell the whole truth and try to get her point across after that.

Lily walked calmly into the kitchen, she tried very hard to hold her anger back. Her parents were sitting at the table, listening intently to Petunia's words, they hadn't even noticed Lily enter.

"She's ungrateful and rude! It's like she's learned no manners at all! It's that school, Mother, I'm telling you – "

Lily cut her off then, "Really, Tune, you're the one who started this whole ordeal because you were trying to impress, Moira!"

Petunia scoffed, a small blush rising from her neck to her cheeks at being caught talking shit behind Lily's back. "How dare you accuse me of starting this? You're the one who called me anorexic in front of someone very important to my new life!"

"I mean, you _are_, but I never said that! I said that you looked like an underfed twelve year old."

"_Boy_. An underfed twelve year old _boy_ from Spinner's End."

She could hear she Mother's small gasp, "Lily." She said in that disapproving manner. She knew though that it wasn't because she had said that about Petunia, but because she had said something negative about Severus.

Her parents absolutely adored Severus, everything about him they found either charming or pitiful. When he had showed up one day, trailing behind her in and oversized shirt and downcast eyes, Dahlia Evans had just looked at him with big doe eyes and made him the biggest sandwich she had ever made. They had felt bad for Sev, all of them had – save Petunia who had disliked him from the start. But then, their pity had turned to genuine care, because it was sincerely evident that his parents didn't.

So, as the years went on, Severus Snape had become as much as a staple in the Evans household as Lily herself. Her Mother made him baked goods for the holidays, sending them to him with Lily's owl. Dahlia even sent him letters from time to time, just to see how he was faring. Her parents hadn't really taken it well when she told them that she and Severus were no longer friends. She had explained the situation to her Mother and Dahlia seemed to understand it more, but she had told Lily that people change, how you feel about them would change, but loving someone never does. Lily hadn't understood it at them time – still angry and solemn about the whole ordeal – but, it was making more sense now.

"Okay, I did say that. I'm sorry. But, you called me fat, and started implying things about me being a witch – which you know you're not allowed to do!" She turned to her Mum and Dad, "Look, I think this situation has just gotten way out of hand. I said things that were very hurtful and I'm sorry, Petunia."

She looked at her sister, a sincere apology in her gaze. Petunia still had her arms crossed over her chest, a sour look on her face, her eyes narrowed. "Oh, bravo, Lily. Once again, trying to defuse the situation and make yourself look good while _I_ look like the rude cow."

Lily rolled her eyes and let out a sigh, this was starting to become the same fight they had over and over again. "That's not what's happening, Petunia. I'm apologizing for the things I said. Shouldn't you be doing the same?"

Okay, so maybe her attitude needed to be checked a bit, but seriously, Petunia needed to get over herself.

"No. I'm not sorry for the things I said. They're true. You're a freak and you don't belong here. Now, stay out of my life!"

With that, Petunia stormed out of the kitchen and stomped up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door for dramatic effect. And that had been the end of that, no more trying to make peace with Petunia, maybe in another year or so Lily would give it a go.

So, after spending the rest of her day ignoring everyone around her, she had slept like complete shit and woke up at the crack of dawn. She had cleaned her whole bedroom, started her laundry, and organized her trunk for school – which, was like still a month away. With nothing else left to do, she went downstairs to the kitchen.

Her Mother was there starting breakfast, like the amazing part-time housewife that she was. Lily walked into the room and sat down at the kitchen table, listening to her Mother's low singing and humming, loving the soothing effect it had on her. Delilah turned to face her daughter who was surprisingly up at this early hour – much to her own surprise. Lily looked worn, tired, nervous. She set a cup of tea down in front of her.

"What's wrong, darling?"

Lily just shrugged a shoulder, unsure if she wanted to let her Mum in on her meeting with Severus just yet. "Just...everything."

Delilah nodded, "I know what you mean, sugarbabe."

She smiled at her Mother's nicknames, she loved when her Mum called her them, it made her feel special and small all at once. "I'm just tired."

Her Mother nodded, "I'll bet. I'm surprised to see you rise this early, usually I have to pry you with all my might to be up three hours from now."

Delilah set down some toast in front of Lily, sitting down across from her. Lily avoided her Mother's gaze, she knew that her Mother would be able to tell that something was up other than Petunia. "Sorry about the fight yesterday."

"What is going on with you two? It's like every time I turn around you two are at each other's throats."

Lily nodded, "We're just...different. And Petunia hates it."

"She shouldn't be so hard on you. But," She commanded Lily's gaze with her tone, looking seriously into Lily's deep green eyes. "You shouldn't be so hard on her either."

Lily kept her Mother's gaze, knowing what she said was true. But, didn't she see how hard it was for the two of them to get along? "We're not little girls anymore, Mum. I don't think we can fix this with a batch of cookies."

Delilah just have her youngest daughter a sad smile, "But, you can try."

Lily just nodded, accepting her Mother's statement. She wanted, needed, someone to talk to about this whole Sev thing, she figured now would be as good a time as any. Lily just didn't want her Mum to get too swept up in the notion of Severus coming around again.

"I met with Severus yesterday."

Her Mother's eyes lit up, mild shock entered her features. "Really, now?"

Lily nodded, "Yeah. After Petunia and I fought, I left the house and made my way to the lake. He was there, and we just...started talking." Lily played with the spoon in her teacup for a moment. "I asked him to meet me today, so we could talk."

"Well, that's great, Lily." Her Mother truly meant it. "I hope it works out for you two."

Lily didn't say anything after that, she wasn't sure what to say. Or, what to feel. She was still unsure of the whole scenario, unsure of what she was doing. She hadn't really taken a moment to figure out her feelings on the subject of her friendship and exile of Severus Snape, too caught up in her fury and heartbreak over Petunia. Now that she was thinking about it, she felt like the world was collapsing in on itself. She felt anxious, confused, unsure. She wasn't confident in her emotions or thoughts, she wasn't sure what was the right choice or the wrong.

She stopped her relationship with Severus for a reason, actually, a multitude of reasons – the most obvious and evident would be that he had called her a Mudblood. He had used that filthy, degrading word against her, his tone suggesting that she was nothing more than that, effectively becoming the very type of person that he often defended her against.

And, while yes, that was a big part of why she hadn't accepted his apology, it wasn't the only reason.

Slowly, she had watched him fall deeper into the crowd that she had been trying desperately to keep him from – the truly evil kids, that just happened to also be placed in Slytherin. He had gotten into with the likes of Mulciber and Wilkes, the brutes didn't even bother to bully anyone at Hogwarts like James and Sirius did, because they knew that one day they'd become serial killers and all they'd have to do was bide their time by flying under the radar. At least, that was her theory, anyway.

She was afraid for him, she was afraid that he'd ignore her and fall into the crowd that belonged to the new uprising of this Voldemort character and then Severus would be lost for good. She was unsure of how to help him, of how to keep him from falling down that particular rabbit hole. She had tried, and once he started mysteriously leaving with them on his free period, she was certain that she had failed him. The Mudblood slip was just the icing on the cake, it was an easy out – one that she was seriously affected and hurt by, but easy nonetheless.

She had decided to cut her losses with him and see what happened. He had hurt her, she had cried over him. She thought that he deserved the same pain, which was why she didn't accept that purely heart-wrenching apology of his. He needed to know how much his party-foul had hurt her, and now he did.

She hadn't made the conscious choice not to see him over the summer or for the whole of their Sixth year, it had just sort of ended up happening that way. She had just decided not to care anymore. She was the fixer, the problem solver, there wasn't a task her witty mind couldn't accomplish in her naïve determination. But, for the year and a half that she had voluntarily checked out from, she decided that the world could do without Lily Evans for a while. She had spent the year flying under the radar, her grades still spectacular, her Prefect duties taken care of, but her social life was close to nonexistent.

She had completely planned on spending her time all alone, but little Alice Perricot wasn't going to let that happen.

Alice had been in her group of friends since first year, but often being overshadowed by the likes of Emmeline, Mary and Marlene – who had deemed themselves the most important and grand of the Gryffindor girls. But that wasn't true, it was Alice that was the truest Gryffindor of them all and Lily's real confidante in that circle of friends. There was just something about Alice that exuded love and understanding, she never questioned Lily's judgement or decisions unless she really though that Lily was wrong. Like the night that Severus had come to apologize, Mary had been the one to deliver the message that he was planning on sleeping there in the hall if she wouldn't come out, but it had been Alice that had convinced her to talk to him. And it had been Alice who had cuddled with her as she cried, soothing away Lily's worries with sincere eyes and whispers of how they could make it better. Alice was truly the best friend she'd ever had – aside from Severus, but that was like comparing oil and water.

Her relationship with Severus had always been different than her relationships with everyone else, she had known him for almost half her life, they had told each other things that no one else would ever know. It was just different, it wasn't even worth comparing because it was something entirely of it's known. And Alice knew that, and even better, Alice understood it.

She loved Alice, she really did. She wasn't entirely sure what she would've done the past year if it hadn't been for the girl. Probably wallow in despair until she did something astoundingly stupid – which, if she was being honest with herself _did_ happen.

Her other friends – mainly Marlene and Mary – hadn't taken it too kindly to being pushed out of the spotlight that usually trailed behind the group wherever they went, with Lily running undercover they were forced to try and make their own way. Emmeline hadn't cared all that much, she took Lily's absence from their group in stride, realizing that it didn't mean the end of the Glorious Gryffindor Gals – as they liked to call themselves – just a short time out. Emmeline had been a good friend as well, she just popped up in the Library or in Lily's free period from time to time, chatting and catching up on the goings on, studying and laughing. Emme was good like that, just taking things as they were and powering through. She'd make a great Auror, Lily was sure of it.

Marlene and Mary were just different from the rest of their group it seemed, they liked being popular, they liked the attention from the boys and the teachers. Their group was revered by most, they were beautiful and peppy, bright and determined. The teachers adored them, their classmates loved them, and everyone else tolerated them. Lily knew it to be true.

Marlene was very much the leader of their friends, as much as they all followed Lily, they all followed Marlene as well. She was blonde and beautiful with a spirit that rivaled that of an untamed wolf. Lily loved Marlene, she did, the girl was always down for something fun and adventurous – which was why she was a favorite amongst the Marauders, and most boys in general. But, the blonde wasn't always one to calm it down or take things seriously, and that seemed to be a problem from time to time.

Mary was...cunning. She was fun and sparky, but she also held a rudeness to her that most others didn't. Lily was certain that the sorting hat may have had a hard time decided between Gryffindor and Slytherin with Mary MacDonald – regardless of her bloodline. She was mad that Lily had remained friends with Severus for so long, she was always talking about how evil the Slytherins were, always trying to persuade Lily to ditch Snape while she still had time. Lily knew that part of it was how Mulciber treated her, he had a soft spot for Mary – and by soft, Lily meant twisted desire – so she tried to take Mary's attitude and critiques in stride. Lily liked Mary, she was her friend, but she found that she was glad that she had time to separate herself a bit from the girl.

So while she had taken a rest from her friends, that of course didn't mean that somehow she didn't fuck things up. Because she did, she always did.

Alice was always there for her, giving her space when she needed it but had been persistent enough to stick it out even when Lily had tried to evade her. The girls had backed up – for the most part. Severus had given up. Her teachers tolerated her less than stellar effort in class, and her parents never said a word. But, James Potter? Well, he had never been known to back down easily.

He had snuck up on her in a way that she found surprising, not at all in a James-like fashion. He was blunt and open, his plans always laid out for everyone to see even before he had fully hashed them out. There wasn't a sneaky bone in his body – devious, yes, but sneaky, no. So, when he had manged to slip in undetected through her zoned out mind, not even realizing that he had been there in the first place, it freaked her out. In a big way.

She had been so used to avoiding and dodging James and his grotesque attempts to woo her, it was like second nature to her now. But, he had somehow ended up closing in on her with actual conversation and no signs of flirting. It had scared her how easy it had been to be with him. He was effortless, simple, it had been uncomplicated and undemanding. And best of all, it had been quiet, secret.

She tried not to dwell on it for too long, feelings her chest get heavy and her stomach plummet at the thought. She stood from the table, giving her Mum a quick smile before going back upstairs to her room. She looked around her now immaculate room, trying to find something to take her mind off everything, but of course, finding nothing. She grabbed some clean clothes and decided to take a shower.

She let the warm water run over her, her mind straying once again to Severus. She was...excited to meet with him. And it struck her hard.

She hadn't been expecting that, she hadn't expected to be excited to talk with him. But, she was. She had spent so much time being indifferent, being angry or annoyed, that she hadn't even realized that she wasn't consumed by it anymore. She was upset with him, she didn't think that would really change – not until she really spoke to him and gave them both a chance to get things off their chests. But, she was no longer _mad_ at him, and that struck her.

He had called her a filthy name. He had treated her with every ounce of self-loathing and anger that he saved for the Marauders. He had taken out his anger on her in a time when she least deserved it.

But, he had apologized, profusely. He had stepped out of his comfort zone and done something very un-Severus like. He had shown her the depth of his regret, the sheer magnitude of his emotions that he kept bottled up. He had expressed his acknowledgment of the offense and failure as her best friend. He knew he had been wrong.

The problem was that she hadn't realized that she had been wrong too.

It had taken her a year of stubbornly not thinking about it to finally have the revelation. She had been wrong. She had been a bad friend. She deserved the year out of his company as much as he did.

And, it had not been an easy pill to swallow.

She hadn't spoken to anyone about her epiphany, not Alice, not her Mother, not even Severus himself. She wondered if today would be the right time to let him know, it had to be, right? He had to know that she wasn't a complete bitch, that she knew that she was also a guilty party in the fifth year catastrophe. She let out a sigh, confusion clouding her mind. She felt as though she wasn't sure of anything anymore.

She bit her lip as she rinsed the conditioner from her hair. She closed her eyes and felt herself relax under the hot water, she tried to clear her mind, if only for a moment. It was steamy and warm from the hot water, she felt cocooned, protected in the confines of her shower. She ran her hands over her arms, over her chest, down her stomach, rinsing the soap from her body. She stopped for a moment, resting her hands on the smooth skin at the bottom of her stomach, opening her eyes.

He looked different, Severus. He still managed to look the same in a way, still pulling off the brooding introvert extremely well. But, he looked different. He was taller, maintaining a normal weight instead of teetering on the verge of starvation as he once had when he was young. His hair was wilder than she had ever remembered seeing it, even in childhood his hair had always been lanky and laid straight, but now it was a tad unruly – or, maybe that had just been the wind. She wasn't sure.

There was something else about him that she couldn't quite pinpoint, something else that had her mind churning over. What was it? What was it that was different?

She recalled the intense stare he had given her, which had been a severe dose of the normalcy she had once had. He used to look at her like that all the time, it was a look she couldn't read, still never figuring it out. But, she had given her that look all the same, and it was something that she liked. She liked his looks, she liked when he looked at her.

She wasn't entirely sure why either. God, was she entirely sure about anything? Could she manage to figure anything out?

She let out a moan, pleasure shocking her out of her thoughts. She looked down, how had she been so consumed in her thoughts that she hadn't even noticed her hand between her thighs? Wow, she was out of it today. Clearly she needed to go back to sleep.

She bit at her lip and decided to keep going, she was already in the middle, why not finish. She closed her eyes again and leaned her head back against the cool tile, letting her fingers make quick work of her slick center. She thought about intense stares, piercing gazes, the way they made goosebumps erupt over her skin. She moved her fingers a little harder, a little faster, her other hand coming to rub against her clit, hoping the friction would set her over the edge. It did and she slumped against the tile wall, her breathing heavy, letting the warm water run over her spent body.

Where had that come from?

She lingered under the hot spray for a while longer before shutting it off completely. She stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, drying herself off. But seriously, where the hell had that come from? She knew that her thoughts hadn't been about James or David Bowie or any of the cute boys she knew or celebrities she thought of. She knew who had been on her mind, whose intense stare she had been imagining. She stopped the line of thought immediately, forcing herself not to think about it. She wouldn't think about it.

She started to brush out her tangled hair, looking at herself in the mirror as she did so. She looked tired, which she was. Her pale skin looked a tad sickly in the bright bathroom lighting, there were small bags under her eyes, her freckles stuck out oddly against her pale skin. God, why anyone found her attractive she'd never know.

She dressed in her clean clothes – a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, very normal – and headed out of the extremely warm bathroom. She felt cooler because of it, the warm shower making her body temperature drop in the normal air of the rest of the house. She went into her room, passing Petunia's which was shut tightly even though she wasn't home. She threw her dirty clothes into the laundry basket beside her door and walked over to the window where Sev's owl sat calmly on the pane, waiting to be let in. She opened the window and let the black owl in, he perched on the sill and held out his beak to her, where a letter was firmly placed. She could hear her own owl going crazy in its cage at the sight of Inky – well, that wasn't the owl's actual name, but that's what she'd always called him.

She took the letter from Inky's beak and he nipped at her finger fondly. She smiled and stroked the bird lightly in response. She opened up the folded parchment and read the simple words that Severus had written.

_Something came up. I'm going to have to cancel on our meeting._

_Sorry._

_S._

She wasn't sure why the disappointment by those words effected her so much, but it did. She felt her stomach sink and her face fall. She went to her desk and grabbed a fresh piece of parchment and wrote a simple response back before giving the note to Inky, who took it without question.

_No worries._

_L._

She watched the black owl fly out the window, she shut it behind him. Well, that sucked. She wasn't sure what to do with herself now, it wasn't like she had a vast majority of Muggle friends at her disposal anymore. They had all ditched her when she went to off her fancy private school, they thought she was too good for them now. She sighed.

She walked back downstairs where she mother was lounging in the sitting room, a book in hand, the telly on. She slumped down into an armchair, her mother's reading glasses were perched at the end of her nose, her brows quirked into a questioning stare.

"What's the matter, love?"

Lily shrugged a shoulder, steeling herself and continuing to look at whatever program was playing on the telly. "Something came up so Severus had to cancel."

Her mother was quiet a moment before responding, "I'm sorry, Lily."

Lily shrugged again, "It's fine."

Delilah closed her book and took off her glasses, looking at her daughter. "Well, Petunia is out, your father is at work...would you like to do something?"

Lily looked over at her mother, brows furrowed. "Like what?"

Delilah shrugged, "We could go see a movie, grab a bite to eat...would you like that?"

Lily couldn't help the small smile that took over her sulky features. "Sure, Mum. That would be lovely."

"Well it's settled then, go throw on your shoes."

Lily stood from the armchair and walked over to her mother, bending down to give her a hug before running off in search of her footwear. Delilah just smiled and watched her go, knowing that this is what her youngest needed.

* * *

A/N: So here it is! More Sev in the next chapter, this was just a lot of Lily figuring shit out. This whole story won't be just from Lily's main perspective - I actually love writing Severus - but it just happened that these first two were, just so we can get an idea of where she's at. Sev is up next, any guesses on why he had to cancel? TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK, GUYS.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thank you so much to the people who reviewed, favorited, and followed this story. I really like Get Older, and I really like you guys. Thank you so much! Sev in this chapter, he's been absent and I miss him. Enjoy!

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She was walking along with the girls, listening to Marlene drone on and on about one thing or another. Alice walked beside her, absentmindedly nodding at whatever Marlene was prattling on about, Mary conversing with her. Lily was quiet, gazing out at the busy Diagon streets and shops, packed with mostly students and some with their families, new and old. She knew this wasn't even as close to what it would be like come the end of summer. She wasn't really paying attention to anything or anyone, just gazing. And thinking.

She had been thinking a lot lately, thinking about Severus, unable to get him off her mind. She wondered what had come up that made him cancel their meeting last week? Had he made something up so that he didn't have to meet her? Or, did something pertinent happen at the last minute?

She didn't want to think about it, she didn't want to think about any of this. She didn't want to be dissecting every inch of her conversation with Severus, didn't want to reminisce about the way things were pre-disastrous ending of fifth year, and she certainly didn't want his dismissal of their meeting to keep popping up in her mind every few seconds.

Thankfully, if her friends seemed to notice that she wasn't really in the chatty mood, they didn't say anything. Lily knew that they didn't expect her to be all peaches and cream about everything, they were just happy that she was back in the group and society as a whole.

Lily let out a sigh and tried to tune back into the conversation. She didn't want to be rude to her friends, they didn't deserve it. Especially since this was suppose to be just an easy, fun day for the friends to meet up during their summer break. They were shopping for nothing in particular, gossiping, and getting lunch. Easy, normal. But, she kept getting distracted. By her thoughts, mostly. Although, every long, dark haired boy that she saw had her turning her head, craning to see if it was Severus. She wasn't even sure why she cared – because she didn't, at least she kept trying to convince herself anyway.

Marlene and Mary were navigating the group into the PonyCreek Cafe for lunch, Alice was trailing behind them, a small smile plastered on her face. Poor Alice. The girl really was too nice for her own good.

The wind picked up and brushed Lily's hair into her face in a highly unattractive way – she was sure. She pushed her long locks out of her face, turning her back to the wind, righting her appearance. She caught a glimpse of black and green. Her eyes immediately turned to try and follow the moving figure, it finally stopped at the book store down the street. He was tall, taller than most people around him, lanky, awkward in his frame. He had black hair that fell down to his chin in strands, the wind picking it up and pushing it from his face, giving her a glimpse of a strong jaw and a once-broken nose. He was dressed casually, as were a lot of the people around them, in his muggle clothes.

He turned and waved off a tall blonde and a shorter dark haired boy, who nodded back and kept on walking without another glance back. He walked into the book store, alone.

"Lily, you coming? Mary snagged us a table."

Lily turned her head slightly, not taking her eyes off the bookstore. "Yeah, you guys order without me, I'll be right back."

"You sure?"

That was Alice. Lily looked back at her best friend with a reassuring nod, "Yeah, I'll just be a moment."

Alice nodded, not questioning. "Alright."

Lily bolted off in the direction of the book store down the street, well, bolted was a strong word. Steadily trotted suited it better. She pushed the heavy door open, the bell chiming overhead. Lily searched quickly for a tall, dark head, as she weaved ungraciously in and out of bookshelves. He was buying books – for school or not, she couldn't tell. She rounded the corner of a tall bookshelf and found him pensively staring at the contents of a rose colored tomb.

"Hi."

His head shot up, his eyes coming to meet hers, his brows furrowed. "Hi?"

"Light reading or...?"

He glanced down at the cover of the book he was holding, _Spells, Charms, and Brews for the Advanced_. In latin.

"You could say that." He glanced her over, taking in her slightly wild hair and casual muggle attire. She looked the same as she had the other day by the lake, without the anger taking a tole over her features. She looked very normal, if not a little despondent. It was odd. They both took the moment to sit idly in silence in each others presence, drinking it in. There was no nervous, crackling energy, or an awkwardness that he expected. Just, silence. "I'm sorry for canceling on you last week."

She shook her head, "Don't worry about it."

He nodded back at her, catching her gaze. He could feel it, feel her subtly reeling him back in. For whatever reason, he wasn't fighting it.

"I'm free tomorrow."

He watched the easy upturn of her perfect bow-shaped lips, it was casual, not excited. She gave a slight nod. "Okay."

He tore his gaze away from her and back to the book in his hand, "I should go pay for this."

"Yeah." She took a step back from him, "I should get back to lunch before they come looking for me."

He had the urge to ask her why that'd be a bad thing, whoever _they_ were, but kept it to himself. "Alright." He stated as she turned and started to walk away from him. "Tomorrow."

She threw a look over her shoulder and gave him that same casual, easy, smile. "Tomorrow." And left his sight. He looked down at the book in his hand, then back to the shelf where he'd been browsing pre-interruption. He grabbed the other book he had been looking for and headed up to the counter to pay.

He hadn't expected to see Lily here, her summers were normally spent in the neighborhood of Wiltingham, or Cokeworth in general, by the small lake that ran between their neighborhoods, going to the cinema, riding trains, and resuming dance lessons. She didn't spend much time in the Wizarding world during the summer, barely had she ever went to see her school friends. Well, he couldn't honestly attest to that for last summer, or really this one either. He hadn't see her at all, didn't know how she spent her time. For some reason that thought burrowed deep into his chest, bothering him.

He shrugged it off, paying the old man behind the counter and walked out of the shop. He looked around as he exited, out of habit looking for a flash of red hair in a muggle-dressed body. He turned down the corner and made his way to the small bar that Lucius and Regulus were waiting for him, pushing thoughts of her out of his mind.

He walked into the Swan's Neck Corner and sought out the two young men sitting by the window in the back. Lucius looked up as he approached, smirking – as he always did.

"There you are, I'm starving."

Severus sat across from the older boy and next to Regulus, who was sipping slowly at his Butterbeer and watching out the window. Severus set his things down under the table and rolled his eyes at Lucius. "You could've ordered without me."

"Well, that would be rude." Lucius smirked.

Severus liked his relationship with the two sitting beside him – most of the time. It wasn't complex or overrun with emotion or attachments. They were friends, plain and simple.

Lucius was two years older than Severus and three years older than Regulus, and yet he still managed to see them a startling amount. He had taken a liking to Severus while he had been in school, befriending him in the Common room when he needed help in Potions and somehow managed to keep most of the Slytherins off his back. Lucius was powerful, important, people did what he wanted them to, Severus wasn't surprised when people left him alone after that. Lucius had started pining after Narcissa Black towards the end of his Hogwarts years, sidling up to Regulus in an attempt to have an upper hand on the situation. In the end he successfully wooed Narcissa and remained close with Regulus even after his accomplishment. They were unlikely friends, but it was all he had these days, and he enjoyed the company – to an extent.

The waitress came over now that their third party had finally arrived, Severus barely had time to glance the menu before he ordered. The waitress walked away, Severus giving her a lingering look. Her eyes had been very green, and reminded him of Lily's.

"Checking out the waitress, Snape? Well, this is exciting."

He turned and gave the smirking Lucius a withering look. "I was not _checking her out_, as you so eloquently put it."

Lucius just sighed and rolled his eyes, looking to Regulus for support. "Don't you think its time for you to get over that girl?" He saw Severus' usually expressionless eyes harden at the way he spoke of the muggleborn witch. "Something that has nothing to do with the state of her blood." He added for good measure.

Severus wasn't as offended by Lucius' words as he should be, it was mostly because he knew Malfoy wasn't being hateful when he spoke them. That was just Lucius, he was frankly honest – which was a complete paradox seeing as he was one of the most talented liars Severus had ever met. But, if Lucius was a insulting Lily, he'd know it. Right now was not one of those time, right now Lucius wanted Severus to get over Lily, to move on. It was unsettling, but he was becoming accustomed to it.

"My not wanting to shag a waitress has nothing to do with her."

At that Regulus turned from his window gazing and gave him a look, lifting a brow. Lucius gave him a similar look and Severus just sighed. He immensely regretted his decision to tell these two anything.

Last summer, after the dreadful ending to his fifth year, Lucius had sent him an owl that demanded him to stop sulking about and come to his home for the weekend. Reluctantly, Severus had agreed. When he arrived at the Malfoy manor he had felt so insignificant, so out of place, until Regulus greeted him and showed him to the back patio where they had been lounging. It had been just the three of them, all by themselves, so of course they'd gotten drunk. They had drank well into the night, moving into the sitting room of the vast manor, sitting by the fire and prattling on about one thing or another.

Once Severus had managed to get properly wasted, his usually stiff tongue became loose and he spent a good while drowning his sorrows in the bottle of firewhiskey and divulging his true emotions about Lily to the two boys. They hadn't been as shocked as Severus had thought they'd be, apparently he wasn't as good at hiding his feelings for Lily as he thought. They had consoled him, Lucius going on about his devotion to Narcissa, even though he couldn't stand her crazy family – to which Regulus whole hearted agreed to. And then in an odd moment of clarity, Regulus had belted out that he was gay. Quite literally belted it too, yelled it as Lucius was talking loudly about how perfect Narcissa's tits were.

They had looked at the younger boy, who was breathing heavy and a scared look in his normally sharp eyes. It had been silent for a few moments, where they all just looked at each other, the crackling fire the only noise around them. Until Lucius turned towards Regulus and mindlessly asked if he was his type – to which all of them started drowning in bellowing laughter. Severus honestly didn't know if he'd ever laughed that hard in his life. After they had settled down, Lucius and Severus had turned Regulus and stated plainly that it didn't matter, he could be with whoever he wanted, they weren't going to care.

Severus felt that had solidified his friendship with the two, strengthened it in a way he hadn't thought possible. But, now he regretted spending that stupid weekend with them, telling them about how he cared for Lily. He never would've sipped out of that bottle if he had known Lucius would bring it up every five goddamn minutes.

"Who at this table are you trying to fool?" Regulus quirked a brow at him.

Severus just glared at Regulus, looking away from the two of them and glancing out into the rest of the bar.

"Are you no longer interested in girls? I'm sure Reg could help you out with that one." Lucius heartily chuckled, stopping only when Regulus sent a small stinging hex his way. "Ow, you little shit, that hurt."

"Good."

Severus turned back to them, "Stop bickering. You sound like children."

They settled down, still glaring at each other. It was silent for a moment, just the noise from the rest of the bar wafting over to them. Finally, Lucius heaved a dramatic sigh and sipped his Butterbeer, eyeing the two of them. "So," He started, mock seriously. "What did you buy?"

Severus just sighed and shook his head. That was how the rest of his afternoon went, Lucius prattling on about one thing or another, asking questions, starting conversations. Regulus would reluctantly join in at some point, Severus keeping up only with what he wanted to participate in. Once they finished and paid for their meals, they left the bar and wandered into shops for a bit, buying a few things for school that they needed. After that, they parted ways, it was getting late and Severus either needed to arrive before his father or after the older man had already passed out.

He waved off Lucius and Regulus, who turned up the street to go floo home. Most of the time he resented not being able to do magic within his own home or around his own parents, this was one of those times. He wandered back into the Leaky Cauldron, passed through the bar unnoticed, and headed out onto the London streets. He let his mind think about Lily as he walked to the nearest Tube station, she always liked the Underground, he had never figured out why. And, it gave him something to distract his mind from his aggravation regarding his parents.

He felt...something, about all of this with her. He wasn't sure what he felt, or why he was feeling what he was, he just knew that he was feeling something about her.

It had been unexpected to see her on the riverbank last week, it had been odd to talk with her, it had troubled him that he felt numb about the whole thing. He missed her, for as stubborn as he was, for as cold as he was, he had missed her. He missed his best friend, he missed looking at her and speaking with her. He had shut himself up and swallowed all his emotions whole after they parted ways as friends, he had resigned not to feel that deeply for anyone else again, only because it certainly hurt much more than he ever intended.

He hadn't cared about the looks and whispers last year, he barely noticed the way things had shifted. He had tried not to notice her – which, honestly hadn't worked out that well. But, he had tried. He was still trying.

He wasn't sure what talking with her would mean, what she had to say weighed heavily in his mind. He was uncertain, he didn't like feeling that way, especially when it came to Lily.

He walked down the stairs to the Tube, standing in with a hoard of muggles, all waiting for the same train. He had minimized his books and put them in the pocket of his pants, not wanting to look at all suspicious, which was why he wore his casual summer clothes to Diagon Alley instead of his robes. It wouldn't do well to draw attention whilst riding the tube home, he had learned that the hard way when he was twelve.

He tried not to dwell on thoughts of Lily now that he was here, waiting. He had tried the whole past year, really. For the most part, he had been mildly successful. It didn't change the fact that her smiling face made his chest tighten or how close she was made his heart beat uncomfortably, and now that those things were happening again, he wasn't even aware of how to deal with this.

The train pulled up, masses of people exiting onto the platform and hordes of people pushing back in. He stepped on the train, letting the woman behind him take the empty seat and instead opting to stand. He hadn't been raised in a family like Lily's, he wasn't accustomed to speaking about his feelings, processing what they meant. He was a burier, he came from a long line of them.

Eileen was not strong, and she was not outspoken. She took what was given to her with downcast eyes and a bowed head. Tobias – for all of his bluster – was the same. He backed down from his bosses and put up with the factory, only letting his frustration out on him and his mother. Because that's who they were, they were buriers. They were pretenders.

He was used to pushing his feelings down, pretending, analyzing them alone and coming to the same conclusions again and again. It wasn't about to change after seventeen years, especially not on his own.

He felt the train come to a stop, he let go of the bar and pushed through the crowd of people and made his way out of the train and up the stairs of the station. The cool air settled over him, it was a nice night. He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked down the street, listening to the cars and the people – it was a walk from the nearest station to Spinner's End, one he was now used to. He wondered what his mother made for dinner, he wondered _if_ his mother had made dinner. He wondered what kind of mood Tobias would be in tonight, if he would stumble in already half-loaded and drink until he passed out on the couch. Or, if he would stalk in, pulling roughly at his collar, bang on every available surface in the house and scream at Eileen until someone called the police. It wasn't often that someone in Spinner's End would call the authorities, but it did happen.

It was still light out, being summer and all that, but it was starting to get weaker, started to wane. For once, he was happy that it was only he and Lily that came from Cokeworth, it was exhausting being around other people, and he enjoyed being away. Honestly, if he could live all by himself, he most certainly would.

At first when he heard the quick footsteps behind him he assumed it to just be another jogger, another muggle who was uncorrupted with thoughts of the magical world. Then he heard his name being called, which was odd, seeing as no one spoke to him. He stopped and turned to see Lily running up towards him, her long hair swinging about her shoulders and elbows, a small smile on her naturally upturned lips. He stood and waited for her – why, he wasn't entirely sure. Habit maybe.

"Hey."

She breathed out as she reached him, coming to stand beside him as they continued to walk down the road. They fell into an easy sort of silence as they walked, her breathing still slightly labored and all he could hear in his ears.

He turned to her with furrowed brows, "How did you get here so quickly? You weren't on the Underground."

She gave him a look, "You still take the Underground all the way from London?"

His dark eyes narrowed, "Yes?"

"If you take the bus on Tally and then take the tube to here, it's half the time." She turned and started walking backwards, facing him as they walked. It was something she had always done and stuck him a bit. "Really, Sev, I'm surprised you haven't figured that out by now."

There was no condescending tone in her voice, not dismissal or sarcasm. That was the thing about Lily, she just, said things. Plain as day. He wasn't hurt by her accusation that he didn't know the most direct way home, he just... took it into consideration.

"Well, now I have." He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, looking at her as she walked backwards down the road. "Clearly it's the most efficient way, as you're here."

Her light eyes narrowed just slightly as a very small smile took place on her lips, he knew that look, that secret Lily look. She'd often done it as a child, it was a look he'd never been able to figure out in all his years. It made him uncomfortable, it always felt like she was looking past him and through him all at the same time. Like she could read straight into his soul. He shifted lightly under that look.

"So," She started, the look still in place. "Did you buy your book?"

"Two."

"Wow." She looked impressed. "Somebody must be bored."

He gave a shrug of his shoulder, "Not much to do here." They shared a look of mutual understanding and slight hatred for where they lived outside of Hogwarts, both knowing that where they lived was boring. It was then that he took stock of the slight change in her attire, her high waisted shorts were still on, but her t-shirt from earlier was gone and replaced by a black leotard. He assumed that her tights and shoes were stuffed into her satchel. He quirked a brow, "Dance?"

Lily looked down at herself and then back at him, "Yeah. I had lunch with the girls and then went over to the studio after." She looked down at her trainers, a small smile on her face. "They hate me."

"Your friends or the company?"

She looked up and laughed, "Probably both, but, mostly the company."

"Well of course they do, you're not around all year." He gave her a small smirk, the first she'd seen from him in over a year. "You're off at _boarding school_. So, not only do they think you're a flake for only coming in the summer, but they also think you're pretentious."

Their gaze connected and they both let out a laugh – Lily's louder than Severus'. "Basically." She turned back around, coming to walk beside him again. "But the thing is, I don't care."

Severus gave a nod, his eyes gazing forward. "Fuck 'em."

Lily smiled and nodded, "Fuck 'em."

He turned and gave her a light smile, enjoying her company in a way he hadn't in a long time. That was the most dangerous thing about Lily, she was easy. She was easy to fall back in sync with, she was easy to talk to and easy to like. Even when things were hard, she was easy. Until last summer, anyway.

They came to a stop, turning to face one another. It was dusky, the sky darkening, the light giving Lily this iridescent glow. Her smirky-smile and slightly narrowed eyes making his heart beat faster, his mind creating this memory of her to keep forever. Sometimes he was struck by her, by her natural beauty, her intelligence, her grace. Her clumsy nature, her quick temper, her fire, her wit. It was a moment just like this one that made him fall in love with Lily Evans, a simple, quiet moment with her where everything stood still. It was also a moment just like this that scared him.

He stepped back away from her, "I should go."

She nodded, "Me too." She opened her mouth to say something, but looked away and closed it quickly. Smiling she looked back up and said something else. "You should change your shirt next time before you go into the Wizarding world. You smell like cigarettes, don't want everyone knowing just how much of a muggle you are in the summer."

He gave a small smile at her teasing as he stepped away, watching her do the same. They were in the middle of the street that branched off into their separate neighborhoods, it was quiet, still. "I'll keep that in mind."

She turned to walk away from him, for some reason he stood planted to the pavement, watching her go. She turned around, walking backwards again. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yes."

"Don't cancel on me."

Her voice sounded hopeful, for some reason that hurt him. He gave a single nod, "I won't."

With that she turned back around and kept walking home, Severus turned and did the same. He walked slower than he would've if she had not caught up with him, taking in the approaching darkness of the warm summer night, wondering.

He let out a sigh, pulling his hands from his pockets and with them cigarettes and a lighter. He lit one, taking a deep drag and wondering. That's all he could do right now was wonder.

For some reason admitting the true right now wasn't as hard as it should've been. It was almost like a whisper that had always been there, something that he'd always known but just chose to forget. He didn't feel anything about his confession to himself, not remorse, not regret, not anger or even pain. He didn't feel happy about it either, he just... felt.

He was in love with Lily Evans, and a year lying to himself had done nothing to suppress that fact.

He took another drag from his cigarette, approaching his house. He snubbed his cigarette on the ground, walking around back to the kitchen door, hoping he'd beaten Tobias home. Thoughts of Lily lingered in his mind – right now he didn't really feel anything, he wondered just how long that was going to last.


End file.
